I have a confession to make…
So my driver’s license says I am a mere 110 pounds.
I giggle at this because when I registered for my license I was asked how much I weighed, and frankly I had no clue- I’ve never had a scale, and the last time I was weighed while at the doctor’s I remember blocking out the number.
I knew I was not 110 pounds thats for sure.
I remember the kind smile the lady gave me, chirping “you don’t look over 110 pounds!”
Sure, lets put 110 pounds on my license.
I would like to say weight has never been an issue in my life, but that would be lying, and of course I am not a lier. Right?
Just don’t look at my license.
I have always found it stupid to obsess over a number. Who cares what the scale says if you’re healthy, fit, and happy?
Well- here is the kid who never weighs herself- struggling with health, fitness and happiness.
Since graduating from high school and moving to Vancouver, I have struggled with my weight. Here is a few reasons I think why, well how about an alphabet of reasons why…
A. Everything is expensive as fuck in Vancouver. – $20 dollar yoga class- WHAT?
B. I am not that talented that I can qualify for a college/university/rec sports team- anybody who says otherwise just be quiet- I know this. I would be beaten alive on a college basketball court. Don’t try and be nice while I’m having an honest moment with myself.
C. Fast Food. NOM NOM NOM. – even if it is just an “occasional french fry” it adds up…
D. North Vancouver is pretty much one big hill- not the greatest motivation for knee/back injury…
E. My landlord and roommate are very kind people who make me cookies, squares, and cook very high carb, high fat. -I grew up with vegetables from the neighbour’s garden…So I think my metabolism went into shock after the first sunday of fried eggs and bacon.
F. Anti-depressants and Birth control are known to contribute to weight gain.
E. I don’t have a dog to run with. 😦
F. All these Lululemon tight assed women jogging on the seawall are downright intimidating. There. I said it.
G. Running in a city- so not my forte.
H. My workout clothes now make me look down right ghastly.
I. Concussions and hyper mobility really hold me back from trying new sports.
J. I can be lazy- somedays my lunch will include cookies with apricot jam. I like apricot jam okay?
K. Depression really makes it hard to motivate yourself at times.
L. IBS attacks during yoga class- embarrassing and awkward. Not to mention panic attack inducing when the only bathrooms there are public ones with no privacy.
M. Can I blame the winter season? Sure. Why not. That rain was very discouraging.
N. Men found me attractive, – weight not as big a deal when hitting on women as it was in High school it seems? Who knows. Maybe I just met mature gentlemen in Vancouver, who like curvy women.
O. I didn’t realize how much weight I gained until it was too late- yoga school added with constantly wearing yoga pants makes you think you look FINE.
P. Lemon Squares
Q. Baggy Tops- my shield from my self criticism about my muffin top.
R. Only having evening classes – no routine – 3 am bedtimes, etc.
S. Corn chips. Damn bastards.
T. Eating the same amount as when I was training for half marathons… And not training for half marathons… Oops.
U. Being a lazy teenager.
V. Reassuring myself that yoga was enough.
W. Blaming my tummy fat on bloating from IBS. (most likely is both)
X. Not getting a monthly wax – I can’t afford it anymore now that I live in the city… But it was a real confidence booster- no matter how painful it was. -anyone who gets waxed will understand!
Y. I’m not as stressed or depressed as I was, which means I am eating more.
Z. I keep comparing myself to myself a few years ago- a very sick, unhappy girl who struggled with eating anything. I thought I was fat then! Jesus.
Even with this whole boat load of excuses- I still want to try to get back in shape.
About a month ago I injured my back- inflamed disc and sciatica.
Once again I had to be weighed- and oh dear god I did not like the number that popped up on the scale.
For months I kept telling myself- I’ll start tomorrow.
Hah, of course that never happened.
It is March now- and I am at the point where I am sick of the sight of my body.
It is like one big “to-do list” that well, has been put off.
Your body is your temple right?
Well- this temple had been on the back burner for way too long. Now it has weak beams, dull wallpaper, dirty dishes, and a thicker middle.
I have recently finished my Yoga teacher training- and while I am happy I have completed that adventure- I feel I am left like a bit of a poser.
I try to teach my students self acceptance when I myself struggle with the concept.
My roommate used to laugh at how I would gently bring my students into a deep meditation, using positive affirmations, always repeating the need for loving yourself.
This cool, calm, self loving yogini who is flexible yadda yadda yadda- yeah my Roommate saw right through that.
There are things I love about me, of course there is.
My tummy- is not one of them.
Everybody has there hangups- so really I don’t expect this post to get many views,
I expect it to get the occasional scroll down, a sniff, and then back to youtubing cat videos.
But that is not the reason I chose to write this. I am experimenting. Maybe if I document my progress- it will be easier to stay on track?
We will see.
Tonight I made a “Fitspiration” board on Pinterest- it is still in the works- but I read an article in Cosmopolitan magazine about how detrimental this new trend of “thinspiration” boards really is. That unachievable image of thigh gaps, collarbones, and huge knockers.
I want my students to know that i am human, personable, and not egotisical. But really- couldn’t I be a little bit more of a better person than I already am?
Like- Can I be able to wear all of my jeans? Not just my fat pant jeans?
I want to become a role model for my students- and honestly it wouldn’t feel right to campaign for self love when I furrow my brows every morning at the full length mirror when I step into the shower. -Note to self. Don’t install a mirror at that angle- very unflattering if you’re not in shape.
I struggle with negative thoughts. So really this could not be as big of a deal as it seems to be, but for me it is a big deal at the moment, because when my confidence level is up- my depression level goes down, my ibs symptoms go down, and my happiness becomes an everyday event. That would be a nice thing.
To the jeans that now sit ever so lonely in the back of my closet. Waiting for me to get my ass in gear and do something, I will be wearing you eventually- because I can’t afford to buy bigger clothes. I’m too cheap and stubborn to do that.
I’ve also been saving my gift cards from friends and family I got during the Christmas holidays because I would keep telling myself- You can buy new lingerie when you’ve lost a few pounds.
Well, I would like to have new underwear by my next birthday. Go ahead and laugh- but when you’re rocking beautiful awesome underwear- not to mention matching- You feel pretty damn special.
Was that TMI?
So I don’t have a diet plan, I don’t have a fitness plan, at least not one that is written on some website or found in a running magazine.
I plan to:
and begin to love myself a little more every day- every single flaw included!
This is not just another attempt to lose weight- it is more. To live the life I want to live- I have to learn how to love myself, and accept what the universe has given me in this lifetime. – That does not mean I will quit shaving my armpits or tattoo a third eye on my forehead. Friends and family- do not worry. I am just trying to become the best possible me I can be. 🙂
That’s my plan.
One thing that I love about myself today is:
I completed an “extreme” level sudoku today.
Actually I completed three of them.
I love my smart moments.
P.S. here is my Fitspiration page on Pinterest!
and my Fitness page for workouts and more inspiration-